The Silence

I know I have been quiet and haven’t posted. Therapy has been overwhelmingly hard. It’s amazing how our bodies react to trauma and how it even reacts when you start working through that trauma years later.

We have been working on a memory from six years ago that I haven’t told anyone. My therapist about a month ago told me it was time. It had been coming to mind 3-4 times a week for months and when I finally told her it was happening, the next week the memory was nonstop.

When I went into session next I didn’t want to tell her about it. I didn’t want to open that door. She asked if it had gotten better. I told her it had gotten worse and that it was coming to mind constantly. She told me it was time. I kept shaking my head no! I didn’t want to put it into words. My dog comes to therapy with me so my therapist told me to put my hand on her and let my dog do it’s job. I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t feel like I deserved the comfort. I choked trying to get the words out. It felt like someone was squeezing my throat. It felt like I had a boulder sitting on my chest. There was a pain down deep in my stomach. I grabbed the pillow and held it so tightly against my stomach trying to stop the pain.

I would talk for a little bit and then stop shaking my head saying I couldn’t go on. The more I talked the worse I felt. The nausea hit hard along with anger. I had to get up and start pacing. I just had to move. The whole time I could hear my therapist tell me to breathe…..breathe….breathe….

It brought up all the feelings. My feelings have been so cut off since injury…emotionally withdrawn for years. Talking about memories that come to mind since injury and I am feeling them for the first time in some ways.

I finally was able to get the memory out. There were a ton of pauses. Lots of times telling my therapist I can’t especially as we got closer to the worst part of the memory. She kept reminding me that I was safe and that I was in a safe place to let it out. That night from six years ago……I felt so alone. The reality of what life was going to be like settled in. Feelings of failure and not trying hard enough hit because things weren’t getting better and I wanted them to. I worked hard at it but yet things weren’t getting better. I blamed myself for the injury and everything that happened from it seemed to be my fault as well. I was in a really low spot…rock bottom in a way. I reached out to friends through text and tried calling some but was met with silence. They didn’t answer…didn’t respond….not that night or ever. One friend answered and brushed me off and hung up. Rejection hit hard! I sat on my kitchen floor holding my dog and cried. I felt so alone. Not understanding what I was going through because no one explained. I kept hearing one day you will wake up and be fine but that wasn’t happening. I thought I was going crazy. Simple things I couldn’t do…things that I did without thinking before this injury. Simple things that I messed up. I kept asking God why and when will it get better and I felt silence. I knew He was there but I wanted answers.

I eventually went up to my room. My baby girl didn’t leave my side. She knew I was struggling and wanted to take away the pain. I changed into my pajamas and crawled into bed. I cried myself to sleep that night. I never ate. I just couldn’t. More than anything I wanted someone….anyone…to care enough to sit with me in the silence….in the darkness. I wanted them to put their arms around me and hold me….to let me know they were there and I didn’t have to face this alone.

I found out who my true friends were. I now have a great support circle and their friendships I will treasure for the rest of my life. They have been there and have sat with me when it’s been hard. Two of them have come over a few times when I have hit those low spots. They pick up on when I am down and remind me that they are there. I don’t know why I didn’t have them then. One of my support circle people was there for the whole injury but I didn’t reach out to her that night and I regret it. She would have been there. Others came into my life later. They let me know they are there for the long haul and I am grateful.

This memory still plagues me and I have spent quite a few therapy sessions on it. We have been working on it in EMDR therapy as well but at this time we keep hitting brick walls. My EMDR therapist is having to try other ways to make it possible to access this memory in order work on it.

It’s hard because every time I walk in my house I see the spot where I collapsed that night six years ago. The memory comes flashing through my mind- everything that happened….all the thoughts…all the feelings. I can see myself on the floor in tears wondering if this is what life will be like from now on. The inside of me feels like it’s constantly on fire and so activated. I have had trouble sleeping and eating and it feels like I’m constantly living in this memory. My throat hurts and I feel that pain in my stomach down deep. At times in therapy as we have talked about it the nausea has hit hard. I have thrown up some with it. I have also done a lot of coughing which my EMDR therapist says it’s normal. It’s getting all that junk out that’s been buried. I don’t like it though. I don’t understand everything that is happening in my body and how it is still reacting to that night six years ago.

I am being told that it’s a trauma memory. My therapist assures me that it will get better and that night won’t be so traumatizing. I am trusting them. It hasn’t been fun, One day I may be able to share the details of that night but this was hard enough to get out.

Thanks for reading.