As I sat at my desk I looked around my classroom wondering how I was going to be able to teach. It felt good to be back in my classroom but overwhelmed doesn’t begin to cover what I was feeling. No one understood how hard it was to be up and about and do all the “teacher things”. I was trying so hard to be normal and ignore the struggles. In-service was awful trying to focus and follow the meetings. I would come back to my classroom and put my head down on my desk and cry. The tears were always there. I was so emotional and I didn’t understand why. When I mentioned this to anyone they would say “you were always emotional”. I knew that was true but this was different. I felt like I was crazy. Things weren’t right and I knew it. Something was wrong yet people said I’ll be fine. No one explained this injury or the struggles I was going to face. I pretend to be fine and able to do all the things I used to but I fell short and felt like I was failing.
As I prepared for the school year I confided in a friend how much I wasn’t sure if I could do this and wondering why I wasn’t healed yet. This friend asked me a hard question. She said if God doesn’t heal you on earth, are you still going to trust Him? That question made me stop and think. It hit me hard! Like the question God asked me about piano, I knew what the right answer should be but I had to make sure in my heart. I took some time with it and again told the Lord I will still trust you even if I am never healed!!! I wrote my decision on a post it note with the date and put it on my bathroom mirror. It was the decision I was going to stand on. I began to add verses around it. Verses on hope and trust. I would read those verses and pray them back to the Lord most mornings.
My massage therapist Erin was the only one who had started to give me some insight as to what was going on with me. She had to remind me to try to relax when driving because it was adding to all the tight muscles. I felt I had to be braced for an impact all the time but especially behind the wheel of the car. I was terrified for something to happen. I felt like I had to be extra vigilant. Sometimes after seeing her I would tell myself relax, relax, relax over and over the whole way home.
I was only teaching fourth grade that year. I had to let go of the music program. I tried to go back to teach piano but I had lost so much piano knowledge and I just could not handle it. I informed the parents that they would have to find another teacher. The only piano student I kept was my 7 year old nephew and lessons at times would be sporadic based on how I was feeling.
I went back to playing at church somewhat. I was able to continue to switch off with the one person to accompany choir but playing for congregational singing was out. I couldn’t keep up. If the director slowed down by the time I processed it and was able to adjust I was a few lines behind him. Playing for choir at least things were verbally announced so I could process before I had to do it. I regret even trying for the two months I played. It made things worse for me. In between songs I would lay my head on the music stand and close my eyes. The pain was excruciating. I would leave church in the evening as soon as the choir got done singing. I would take my pain medicine and curl up in bed with the ice packs often crying because the pain was so bad. In the morning I would stay for the morning service but I would walk out in so much pain and not having a clue what was preached about. I would sit there trying to follow and my brain would shut down. I couldn’t focus. I could stay so long with the message and then space out for a while then back in but never able to connect the dots between the times that my mind blanked out. Sometimes the tears would in church because the pain was bad. I sat up front with a friend and it helped me not be distracted with movement in front of me. But then I had people tell me I needed to just sit in the back so I could get up and leave yet that was even worse. All it took was one person to walk by and the little bit that I was following the preacher was lost. I couldn’t even sing along with other people because I could not get the words out and if it was a fast paced song I was even more lost. I also found I couldn’t even sing on key anymore.
I didn’t understand what was going on. I was supposed to be back to normal so why wasn’t I? People were telling me I should be over this by now. The noise of being in church was awful. I couldn’t follow conversations and my brain tried to process every word that was spoken around me. I felt like words were swirling around my head and I was trying to latch on to some of them but couldn’t. The noise from the instruments made my head hurt even worse and the lights. I wore sunglasses the whole time even playing the piano. Each Sunday I would walk out in level 8-9 pain. Why wasn’t God healing me yet I often wondered but I kept reminding myself that I would still trust.
On top of this I was not sleeping. Sleeping pills did not work. There were many nights I did not sleep at all. I was up for over 24 hours and I would think good I will be able to crash and really sleep. But after two hours I was back awake. My average was 2-4 hours a night. I would often lay on my bathroom floor with the ice packs so nauseous. I would be in tears from the pain and I would just keep praying over and over “God, please help me! God help”.
Many school mornings I would lay in bed telling the Lord I don’t have the strength to get up. I don’t know how I can do this. Each day felt like climbing a very tall mountain. At the end of the school day I would sit in my classroom and cry. I don’t know where all the tears came from but it was never ending. Each Monday I would drive to my appointments with Erin and I would cry with her and talk about my struggles. She kept telling me this was normal for a brain injury. I don’t know what I would have done without her. I was so thankful that God brought her into my life. It was the only place I didn’t feel like I was losing my mind and was crazy. It was the only place – for that hour – that I did not have to pretend.
Psalms 27:13 says “I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living”. This verse God gave me at the start of the school year. I wrote it on a post it and put it on my verse wall. As I struggled God continued to show me goodness. The class I had that school year was among the best. It was unlike any other class I had. They were so patient with me. They would tell each other to be quiet if it got to loud. Many parents would tell me each night their child prayed for me. They encouraged my heart so much. They were able to sit with their friends during class time because their behavior was so good. Whenever I had a sub they could not believe how great they were. I saw God’s goodness to me through them. They kept me going. Their smiling faces blessed me. Over the summer God kept growing every class but mine. He kept it small and I know He did that to enable me to teach that year. I was able to handle the teaching because I had taught that grade for so many years that it was routine. I taught in a private school and the smaller class size helped. I did notice that I really struggled with the math. I couldn’t think as fast as I used to. I had to rely on the answer key a lot more. I did a lot more group work when I needed the break. When I would stutter trying to get the word out the kids helped me. I didn’t feel panicked with them like I did with adults. If I messed things up they would be quick to tell me it’s ok. I couldn’t read to them out loud because I had trouble tracking so I played them a chapter from an audio book each day instead. I would use the student books to teach out of because I couldn’t read adult print. Even with using the student book to read from I often had to use my finger to follow along like a little kid first learning to read. Sometimes my co-workers would see me at lunch and tell me to rest in my classroom instead of eating in the lunchroom and they would watch my class for me.
Each day I would pray to make it to break time. Then prayed to make it to lunch. Then prayed to make it to the end of the day. The end of the day I would lay my head on my desk and cry until I had the energy to be able to drive home. I would come home crawl into bed with the ice packs and laid there praying the pain would go away. I often skipped dinner. I would try so hard not to cry but like an unwanted visitor at the end of each school day they came. I later found out that the tears were because of neuro fatigue and when my brain had enough the tears would come.
My furbaby Gracie would curl up with me and lick the tears as they came down my face. As the pain grew she would try to get even closer to me. She was trying to take the pain away. I would often hold her and let her fur absorb my tears. I would pray thanking God for His help through the day and prayed for relief. I would barely sleep again because of the pain and I had to get up and do it all again the next day. On the weekends I barely moved from my bed. Gracie would stay curled up with me the whole time.
I learned a deeper level of dependence on God. I think it’s the kind of dependence He wants from His children but too often we go about doing things because we physically can and don’t think of asking for His help. I was living in moment by moment asking for God’s help to get me through the day. It’s a level of dependence most people don’t get to but I was learning that lesson.
TBI Survivor 
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