School and Summer

Each week that passed was a disappointment. I wanted to finish the year with my students. I wanted to finish getting the choirs ready for the big program. I wanted to be able to direct it. My oldest nephew was finally in my youngest choir and I wanted to do that program with him. It wasn’t fair to work with them so hard all year only to miss the last few weeks of practice. I still went to the program and it was a horrible experience. It was something I wasn’t ready to handle. Again I had a hard time accepting that it wasn’t in God’s plan for me to be there to direct. It was another lesson in handing things over to the Lord – it was His program. The person who stepped into my shoes and directed the program told me I had to sit next to her because I was so much apart of it. She kept telling me that it was all me. She also made sure the program kept my name as well as hers listed as director. As I looked at the students performing….students I had taught all year and most of them for longer than that school year yet I couldn’t remember their names. As I tried to follow along in the music I could not keep up.

That May I started vestibular rehab. One of the first things they had me work on was being able to turn my head without getting dizzy. It sounds so simple but it was hard. I went to rehab for an hour working on turning my head and I came home and slept for hours. I remember thinking to myself why is something so simple exhaust me. I tried to push myself at home with the homework doing more thinking it would heal me faster but found out that pushing myself beyond the limit does more damage. I was told it’s the one part of your body that gets worse when you push too much. They ended up dismissing me early because I couldn’t handle being in the big room and they couldn’t bring the equipment they needed into a smaller room. Meanwhile I was also seeing an acupuncturist to help with my symptoms but it didn’t seem like it was helping.

School ended without me going back. Summer brought it’s own unique set of challenges. I attempted to drive. My first time out I drove to my parent’s house. It was a five minute drive mainly two big turns. When I got there I was shaking. I told my mom I felt like I had never been behind the wheel of a car before. I didn’t know when to use the break and everything was coming at me so fast. Eventually as the weeks passed I was able to start driving around town but only to things that were close.

That summer I learned that too much sun made my head hurt. The sun was so bright now that even with sunglasses it hurt my eyes. If the family gathered together I always ended up laying down on the couch with all the dogs. I loved being in the pool but couldn’t handle it like I used to. I had to continue to rest a lot and the pain never went away. The top of my head just pulsed like a heart rate. A few times a day it felt like someone was stabbing me with a knife up there. The headaches were unbearable at times. It would hurt some when I woke up and then it gradually got worse as the day went on. I prayed it would but God had other plans.

It was so hard to follow conversations and my memory was horrible. When I first made it back to church so many people came up to me to talk but a good bit of them I couldn’t even remember their name. If I was talking to one person I could hold on some to the conversation but if anyone else joined I got very overwhelmed and panicky. I felt stressed as soon as that second person entered the conversation This feeling was new. I didn’t understand it. Sometimes people would ask me questions about things that happened days ago. Each time I stared at them trying to process the question. I lived in a fog. I had so many clouds around me that I had to attempt to think through. Most often than not I couldn’t even remember what they referenced and asked me about. My brain often felt like the robot Rosie on the Jetsons. I could handle so much and then my brain would shut down. I could picture steam coming out of my ears as my mind would shut down. I repeated myself a lot but didn’t even know I was doing it.

I was also told often that summer to try seeing a massage therapist. I had some suggestions from people but every time I called as soon as they heard the word concussion they immediately said they wouldn’t see me. I felt like I had leprosy. The person I was seeing for acupuncture especially kept cramming the idea of seeing a massage therapist down my throat. I finally said I get it but if no one is willing to see me I’m stuck. I can’t make them work on me. I dreaded going there knowing she was going to push it each visit. Finally at one visit my acupuncturist Naomi was running late so then my appointment ran late. The person after me was a massage therapist. Naomi asked if I cared if the massage therapist came and looked at me while I was on the table. I said sure. I figured what could it hurt. As I laid there face down I heard her walk into the room. Without touching me she started mentioning things that needed to be addressed that she saw just by looking. While Naomi finished up on me, the massage therapist did some research. When I walked out of the room and met her face to face she said she would work on me. She told me she would go slowly though which was ok with me. It was such a God thing how all that worked out. In July I saw her for my first visit. I didn’t know then how much this person would stand by my side. She eventually became one of my closest friends.

During that summer I got the question that I knew was coming – can I go back that fall and teach? My doctor said no. He wanted me to stay home and keep resting. Unfortunately my administrator gave me an ultimatum. I was told if I didn’t go back that fall I would never teach there again. Being single I knew I had to have a job. A job in the area because I needed the family’s help. I couldn’t lose this job. Against doctor’s orders I went back to teaching in August. Later I regretted that decision so much. I should have gone above my administrators head and appealed to the school board.